


be my mistake

by isleofdreams



Series: to someone i used to (still) love [1]
Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Diary/Journal, Drabble, F/M, Falling In Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Mistakes, POV First Person, Sad, no beta we die like men, vent - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-01
Updated: 2020-11-01
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:35:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,090
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27330586
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/isleofdreams/pseuds/isleofdreams
Summary: i may love you more than the others, but i know that you will love others more than me.so thank you, dream.
Relationships: Clay | Dream & GeorgeNotFound (Video Blogging RPF), Clay | Dream/GeorgeNotFound (Video Blogging RPF), Clay | Dream/Others
Series: to someone i used to (still) love [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2005474
Comments: 20
Kudos: 162





	be my mistake

**Author's Note:**

> disclaimer: respect dream and george. don't force this on them. if one of them is uncomfortable with this, i'll delete it
> 
> lowercase intended.
> 
> this is different from my other works, because this is a vent fic. it's short
> 
> thanks
> 
> i should mention this: its not up to my standard expectations
> 
> point out grammar or spellings if you'd like.

the first mistake was falling in love with you. 

y'know, love is a pretty funny thing. it creeps up on you like a lioness hunting its prey, slowly and stealthily, its eyes fixated on your every move. when you turn around and realise its presence, it has pounced on you, and it's too late to even do anything other than to surrender to its bloody jaws.

i've learnt to avoid that word like the plague, yet it still haunts my dreams and chases my conscience, unwilling to let go. i've learnt that once you fall in love, you're unable to pull yourself out of the situation, as if you're in a quicksand. you can struggle all you want, scream and cry and shout, but it shows no mercy.

love is a deadly, deadly game, and i've experienced it one time too many. you see, it took me almost a year to come to terms with my feelings once i realised it, and it took me months to confess to him, because falling in love with your best friend who doesn't return the feelings is the worst thing that the universe could've given to me.

i told him that i liked him on the 15th of February. ironic, isn't it? that i confessed the day after valentine's. laughable. 

as expected, he didn't like me back. thankfully, we remained friends.

shedding multiple nights of tears for one person isn't worth it, neither is both of your brain and heart fighting against each other, but i let it anyway. i've tried to stop it multiple times, but my efforts are futile. 

after the confession, i promised myself that i wouldn't fall for another again, that i wouldn't go through the same heartache and sleepless nights again.

so why did i let my guard down this time?

what made you so unique that had shattered the walls that i had painfully built up, that had lured me into exploring love again? what made you so fucking unique that i'm able to let myself go through that experience that may potentially shatter our friendship?

perhaps it's the way you laugh, that stupid, fucking laugh that i desperately wanted to hear. perhaps it's the way your eyes linger on me for a few seconds too long, before diverting to somewhere else. perhaps it's the way you always bounce your leg, and it fucking annoys me a lot, but somehow, i've picked up on it too.

so tell me, dream. tell me: what made you so unique that you have the audacity to make me fall for you, to try to love again?

the first mistake was falling in love with you.

(...)

do you know that i dreamt about you?

not in that creepy, fetish kind of way, no. it's more of a... how do i say this, soul-crushing kind of way.

it's all blurry, just like how dreams are: fleeting, and when you don't pay enough attention, it slips away from your grasp, never to be seen again. but i remember some scenes clearly, because you're there, with someone else.

she's pretty, with luscious golden locks of hair flowing down her back, and bright green eyes that capture the sunlight in the best way possible. a smile is always on her face, an unmistakable grin, and i wonder if she's always this pretty, always this cheerful?

always what i want to be?

you were by her side, and you introduced her as a friend who came over for a visit (or for long term goals, i forgot. pardon my memory). i was alright with it, even welcomed her a little. you introduced me as a friend, and my heart beat a little quicker at that. 

you were very close to her, and i know she means a lot to you, with the way you're looking at her and the way you have that small, carefree smile on your face, one that i rarely see. it's the smile that only surfaces when you're truly happy. 

i can see why she makes you smile like that.

oh, but darling, that's not the worst part. that isn't the part that made my heart clench in bitterness, that made me yearn for more between us. that isn't the part that made me want to wake up and cry about it, oh no. that isn't the worst part at all.

the worst part (and this may sound a little shallow, now that i think about it) is when you intertwined your fingers with hers and looked at her like i wished you'd look at me. the worst part is when you played with her hair a little, twirling it around your index finger while she leaned her head on your lap, looking up at you like you were her entire universe, like she was in love with you. 

the worst part of it all is that during the entire fucking thing, when everything felt so painful and bitter, i stayed.

i teased you and asked if she was your girlfriend, and you changed the topic.

now that i think about it, you never answered my question at all.

it's a dream, but it felt so much like reality, because i know i can never be with you, that i can never be in her position because i am not her. i'm not who i want to be, and i'm not who you want either.

so why fight a losing battle?

(...)

you asked me if i was okay.

i'm alright.

(...)

look, i'm fine, okay?

(...)

loving you from afar is alright for me.

i don't ever think i'll have the courage to confess to you, because what if it's all just infatuation? that after a month or two of dating, i lose feelings for you? what if our friendship doesn't go back to the same because i let words that shouldn't be spoken out of my mouth? what if you felt weird around me, that you felt burdened?

don't worry, darling. i'll keep this a secret that i'll bring to my grave. if i feel brave enough and if our friendship still persists, i'd even bring light to this situation, and we all can laugh over it like the idiots we are. if i don't, then it's a weight that i'll carry around with me.

i hope you find the girl of your dreams. i hope you find the girl that appeared in my dreams, the one that you fit with so perfectly.

thank you, dream, for being my mistake. 

i love you.

**Author's Note:**

> update on my situation: i'm not writing now (taking a break).
> 
> yes, i have WIPs in progress. no i dont have the motivation to continue it
> 
> cool discord server: https://discord.gg/9d53ajpc


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